A little writer with a long way to go

Archive for the ‘The Journey’ Category

Bittersweet NaNoWriMo

Today is very bittersweet for me. November 30 marks the end to NaNoWriMo, a challenge taken on by the most determined and amazing group of writers I have ever met. NaNo has come to mean so much to me in the last five years. But this year, this year I just couldn’t.

School has been kicking my butt this semester and I started falling behind early on due to mental struggles and emotional plight. I’ve been dealing a lot with things that are going on inside of myself that I am struggling to find the words for. I so wanted to jump into NaNo – even part-time! – to get back into the groove of writing and finding ways to express what was going on.

But some days, even making it to class was an accomplishment. I have been more exhausted these last months than I can ever remember. I am tired of being so different that people don’t really know how to help me.

But still I know that I must continue to do things as only I can, or my life gets voided. If I become like the masses, I cease to matter. One big grey blob of similarity and blending in will never be beautiful.

What is beautiful are those who walk their own way. Those who color themselves differently. Those like who I have met because of my years doing NaNo.

I have been so inspired by those I have had the pleasure of writing alongside and those I have learned from. I cherish each and every writer, study partner, accountability partner, and encouraging friend who has ever shared in my journey as I wrote through my novels.

Today, I want to celebrate my fellow writers. Their victories, whether by hitting the 50,000 word mark or just creating a character they love or a perfect scene to be used later. You are my inspiration and though I missed out this year, I will be back with a vengeance next year.

Open Letter to Everyone

This year has been hell. Figuring out a separation that I never wanted because I still loved them. And a flood, literal and figurative, as my apartment flooded taking away everything that no longer mattered. Mental strain meant depression and anxiety. My whole world felt like it was crashing around me.

And it kinda was.

But I had people, friends, who came to my aid. Who held me up when they had no clue what was going on. I have been a hurricane and they were caught in the eye. And yet they stayed, just talking to me and being there for me. I needed them and they were there.

These friends. They are different than anything I have known.
I don’t expect you to understand what they are or how they live. You don’t need to understand it. It isn’t for you to experience. But we all respect each other’s experiences. We let them have their own experience in this life. We don’t try to change each other.

I love these people closest to me because they have become a part of my own experience here. But not only that, they have become my happiest memories.

I’ve been searching for that since I left home. And finally I found it. I wanted to bring home some of that happiness to share with my original family only to see that they would not welcome it.

Too different, they said.
Sinful, they called it.
Sometimes I wonder if sinful replaced happy. Can no one be happy anymore without being sinful? Is happiness a sin?

Because if it is, I don’t want to be on your side. I don’t want to be alive if it means that I will never be happy. So instead, I’ll stay on my side. I will shine my own light and let others celebrate with me. Because in this light, I can be my purest form. I can be most happy with others who celebrate me as I am.

Maybe I am too different. But here, that isn’t a bad thing. And for that reason, I am staying here.

The Stove Might be Hot

I grew up ascribing to a religion that I didn’t fully understand. At this point, it hardly matters which religion because I think this happens to all of us. We are taught whatever religion or belief system that our parents believe and by the end, I’ll wrap up why I think that is both a good and bad idea.

So, my parents, just like yours, taught me what they believed to be true. I participated in holidays and traditions important to those beliefs, read from a book of those teachings, and followed in the family norms of the believers. I grew up thinking that this was how it was supposed to be and was happy enough to follow this.

But somewhere around middle school, I learned that our belief system wasn’t all that there was out there. Other people believed and acted differently. Throughout high school I would be taught that this was wrong and bad and I needed to save these people from the bad teachings. It seemed good enough in theory but it felt wrong in practice.

Underlying every thought I expressed was a sick feeling in my gut that this wasn’t good. I was made to believe that I was worried so much about their downfall but it wasn’t that. Instead, it was my gut saying that I had no authority to judge what they were taught, what they believed, and what they valued in life.

So I went without religion for quite some time. Maybe if everyone just stopped believing in these religious teachings, we can find harmony in the world. We’ll stop having wars over which god is true or which culture is right. Maybe a world without religion is a good thing. So I set about encouraging people to abandon religion completely. But this was met with the same sickly feeling as trying to convince them to come into my religion. And in a way, I realized I was still trying to get them to believe what I believed, even though I thought I was freeing them from religion altogether. Same thing.

I was confused. What was I doing wrong? With religion, I felt I had to change everyone to my way of thinking. Without religion, I thought I had to free everyone from a forced belief system – and over to my new way of thinking. Where was the problem then.

Now might be a good time to mention that I have spent an unhealthy amount of time contemplating this dilemma when the answer is so freakishly simple.

Think about it this way: when you first enter the world, you are a blank slate. You know nothing. You have two ways of learning things. You can learn from others: what they say, how they act. But you also can go out there and try it all for yourself. You can learn from your mom, “Don’t touch the stove, it’s hot” or you can touch it and discover it for yourself. Either one is a valid way of learning the same message: the stove is hot. You reach the same conclusion.

One though, comes with the pain on your hand, the other one comes with trusting who is telling you the information. In my eyes, these are both a slight cost. Early on in your life, you’re probably more apt to do both. Your mom tells you the stove is hot, you then touch it to find out. This works to do a few things at once. You learn to validate the information of others by testing the theory yourself. The more often you validate the things your mom says, the easier it is to just take her word for it that she does indeed know what she is talking about.

Bringing this parallel to religion, the people who tell you things, have often gone through their own chain of validation. They have learned to trust certain people and have taken what they say as true, or they have tested theories directly. Anyone can do this. So when your parents or people tell you “I know what I’m talking about, I’ve been through this before,” basically, they are saying, “I know what it is to take someone’s word for it and I am extending you the option of taking my word for it so you don’t have to hurt your own hand.”

It’s all in good intentions really. Looking back on my life, I understand this now. My parents were just trying to save my hands. Whether they were going to burn on the stove or in some version of hell, they wanted to protect me. For that, I cannot fault them.

My life has been pretty crazy so far. I’ve stopped trusting people so much and had to burn my hands a few times too many because I really don’t know who to trust or what to believe. I’ve read up on a lot of religions and belief systems and I can’t find one that I fit into. I like messages from each. I like the spirits in every living thing from pagan type beliefs, I like the self empowerment from new age teachings. I love the idea of sacrificing oneself to save others that a lot of the major religions believe. The ideas of reincarnation and nirvana seem to make a lot of sense to me and karma seems pretty plausible. I believe that we aren’t the only ones out there but I think we’ve fallen out of harmony with the universe and the source love. I meditate often to get right with myself because at the end of the day, I am all that I can guarantee to myself. I may use different terms for things than you and others but we all do in the end.

I could ask five people to pick up paper and they could all pick up a different kind of paper. One has a notebook, another a legal pad, someone else picks up card stock, another makes their own paper, and the other has index cards. All technically still paper and yet all represented in different ways. Of course, we’re going to disagree on bigger things than paper. Especially when none of us were there at the beginning of the universe and technology hasn’t created a time machine to go back and check to see if their calculations are in fact the truth. Some ideas sound more plausible than others but does it actually matter?

In the end, the only thing that’s going to matter to us is what we think is important. Whether we think religion is important to us or not is something we have to decide individually for ourselves. In the end, we each have our own lives to lead and no one can change our minds unless we want them changed. Maybe I wanted to walk away from religion five years ago to see what else I could find. Maybe I really was searching for the truth.

Did I find it? I think so. What is it? That’s going to be a different answer often. Today, I’d say my truth is of living in harmony with the earth, doing my best to leave the smallest carbon footprint that I possibly can. Tomorrow, I may find more truth in being a part of a community where we can all be interdependent and connected to each other. And still I might say my root truth or at least the truth of me that pertains to everyone else on the planet, is to let everyone fin find their own truth. If there is anything that I think might be strong enough to want others to learn, it’s respecting everyone’s right to believe as they feel is true.

Sure, in parenting, this might be harder to do. You still need to protect those little hands from the stove. I think it still comes back to the choice. Tell them the stove is hot and let them decide whether they want to believe you or not. If they need to test it for themselves in order to more trust you, then go ahead and let them. You’ve done what you could. But if you fight so hard with them to keep them from ever touching the stove for themselves, you may have saved those little hands but now they might always doubt whether what you say actually has a basis in truth or if now they think you were lying because you wouldn’t let them verify it.

I respect the religions who teach their children the values that they believe and then give them the space to go out into the world and try other things before committing themselves to the religion or whatever.

Whatever you do though, you know how you came to believe what you believe now. Remember your journey, remember your doubts. And then, extend everyone else the freedom to discover what they need to in the ways that they need to hear it. If the stove really is hot, you can bet they’ll learn to stop touching it eventually. But if you discover yourself to be protecting them from a cold stove, that’s not very fair. Remember that the stove does cool off. We can all learn this along side knowing when the stove is hot.

Setting Goals and Celebrating Life

This last year has been a crazy hectic year for me with many changes and pitfalls.

My spouse and I decided we needed different things in life and have parted ways.
My old apartment flooded and I was displaced.
I moved in with a new companion and her cat. Both very loving and supportive of all my quirks.
I have decided to switch almost fully over to gender neutral terms for my gender identity.
I have decided that gender does not matter for my identity so any pronouns are fine (she, him, they, though I do like being Sir)
I have come out as gender blind and accepted myself no matter who might reject me because of this.
I am selling most of my possessions in favor of a much more minimal lifestyle.
I have added a Philosophy major to my studies.
I have set goals for a Library Science focus to one day open my own used bookstore or library.

With each change brings new paths or forces me to carve a new path through the trees. But with each path, I have become more true to myself and who I want to become. Sometimes life feels short and I feel like I have a lot to do with not a lot of time to do it. But I try to focus on one day or one moment at a time and not just do what I have to do but do what I need to do to make sure that what I am doing is helping me to become this being that I want to be. To become the Ryn I need to be.

I have some changes yet to finalize and some plans left to execute, but I’m definitely on the right track. I may get stressed and overwhelmed by having so much adult stuff thrown at me at once, but I’m doing well overall. I have great friends and family who support me and keep me thinking positively on those darker days.

And I do still have those days. Days where I would rather not exist. When I think I take up too much space. Days when I feel like this world is going to fall and I have no power to save it. I have dark days and some days it’s all I can do to just sit there under blankets, sobbing, making sure someone knows that I’m struggling. Because it’s hard to be vulnerable. To let someone know that despite all the progress you are making that some days just crush you. You want to be strong and to not fall backwards to where you used to be. But I assure you, everyone trips. Some of us fall harder than others. Others just don’t show it. But if you are struggling, if you are trying to be your own savior when all you can think about is not want to exist, please reach out.

This is the number for the US National Suicide Prevention Hotline. If you have no one else, give it a call. You are not a waste of space. You are made of the same elements formed in the stars that you wish on.

From someone else who has suffered, give it another chance. Make it through one more day. And if you do, make a goal to reach for tomorrow. Set small ones first. Finish your homework for class. Make it through a day of work to keep getting that paycheck. Apply for one job today. Simply finish your résumé. Do one thing today that will set you up for another step tomorrow. Make it as small as you need to so that once you reach it you can look back and say that you did something that might make tomorrow a little easier. From taking a walk to clear your head or cleaning off your desk so you have a place to work, there are a billion things that can set you up for your next steps. Hell, even making a list of what you have accomplished thus far is good enough! I did that at the beginning of this post.

But more than anything, remember that simply making it until tomorrow is a feat in itself and should be celebrated. You are to be celebrated. Every day.

Mother Earth

I believe in Mother Earth as the planet in which we are living on. So many people get trapped into thinking that mother relates only to human existence and tries to visualize Mother Earth as a humanistic being who holds and cares for the Earth. When in reality, Mother is simply an endearing term added to the name we have given our planet.

It is easy to see why we have attached Mother to our planet. A mother brings forth life. Earth, in every sense of the word, has brought forth every life that lives here. From the bacteria to the human, the penguin and the ladybug, Earth has brought forth them all. Each one is deserving of it’s life here. No one individual or type of creature has more right than any other. Some contribute more back to the Earth, such as worms purifying the soil, butterflies and bees helping the flowers to grow, the flowers and herbs bringing forth our medicines.

What I see as the main problem we have today is that humankind thinks it is above it all. That everything has lived only so far as to get us here and keep us here. But we are not the top in any sense. When we die, we go back into the ground to become dirt. Ashes get buried under trees and the Earth continues her beautiful balance of the Circle of Life. The problem is though, that we think our death is enough to make up for all the shit we’re destroying during our lifetimes.

We have caused radiation from wars that will persist long after humans have died off. Long after our bones decay and our houses are overgrown. I have no doubt that Mother Earth will take back her life and bring forth something even more beautiful after our effects die along with us. But I’d like to help speed up that process for her. Without her, I wouldn’t be here. Without her, there would be no here in the first place. So let’s start treating Mother Earth with the respect she rightfully deserves for supporting our disastrous excuse for an existence.

What will you do?

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