This last year has been a crazy hectic year for me with many changes and pitfalls.
My spouse and I decided we needed different things in life and have parted ways.
My old apartment flooded and I was displaced.
I moved in with a new companion and her cat. Both very loving and supportive of all my quirks.
I have decided to switch almost fully over to gender neutral terms for my gender identity.
I have decided that gender does not matter for my identity so any pronouns are fine (she, him, they, though I do like being Sir)
I have come out as gender blind and accepted myself no matter who might reject me because of this.
I am selling most of my possessions in favor of a much more minimal lifestyle.
I have added a Philosophy major to my studies.
I have set goals for a Library Science focus to one day open my own used bookstore or library.
With each change brings new paths or forces me to carve a new path through the trees. But with each path, I have become more true to myself and who I want to become. Sometimes life feels short and I feel like I have a lot to do with not a lot of time to do it. But I try to focus on one day or one moment at a time and not just do what I have to do but do what I need to do to make sure that what I am doing is helping me to become this being that I want to be. To become the Ryn I need to be.
I have some changes yet to finalize and some plans left to execute, but I’m definitely on the right track. I may get stressed and overwhelmed by having so much adult stuff thrown at me at once, but I’m doing well overall. I have great friends and family who support me and keep me thinking positively on those darker days.
And I do still have those days. Days where I would rather not exist. When I think I take up too much space. Days when I feel like this world is going to fall and I have no power to save it. I have dark days and some days it’s all I can do to just sit there under blankets, sobbing, making sure someone knows that I’m struggling. Because it’s hard to be vulnerable. To let someone know that despite all the progress you are making that some days just crush you. You want to be strong and to not fall backwards to where you used to be. But I assure you, everyone trips. Some of us fall harder than others. Others just don’t show it. But if you are struggling, if you are trying to be your own savior when all you can think about is not want to exist, please reach out.
This is the number for the US National Suicide Prevention Hotline. If you have no one else, give it a call. You are not a waste of space. You are made of the same elements formed in the stars that you wish on.
From someone else who has suffered, give it another chance. Make it through one more day. And if you do, make a goal to reach for tomorrow. Set small ones first. Finish your homework for class. Make it through a day of work to keep getting that paycheck. Apply for one job today. Simply finish your résumé. Do one thing today that will set you up for another step tomorrow. Make it as small as you need to so that once you reach it you can look back and say that you did something that might make tomorrow a little easier. From taking a walk to clear your head or cleaning off your desk so you have a place to work, there are a billion things that can set you up for your next steps. Hell, even making a list of what you have accomplished thus far is good enough! I did that at the beginning of this post.
But more than anything, remember that simply making it until tomorrow is a feat in itself and should be celebrated. You are to be celebrated. Every day.